Ummm, so who is this Darla?
I am. DUH.
You wanted to know more than just what I look like after snapping 376 selfies until I finally find just the right light and take one that doesn’t make me cringe. Or curse a lot. Or Google plastic surgeons. Or all three.
As my much-beloved uncle, Walt Whitman, said, “I am large; I contain multitudes,” so I can’t tell you everything. But maybe this will do for starters:
- A few years ago, I moved to South Florida. Because weather.
- But I’m a NC girl and always will be. Because barbecue. And because NC people always say “Hey” even if they don’t know you. Plus a few of them even know how to use other parts of their cars besides the horn.
- I used to draw a lot when I was a kid. I’d hang out in my dad’s barbershop after school, where I’d finish my homework and then sit around drawing pictures of all his customers while he cut their hair. I also liked drawing women wearing elaborate ball gowns and tiaras. (That Leslie Ann Warren version of Cinderella really had a hold on me.)
- Since my dad’s barbershop adjoined a library, I also spent lots of time there, reading books and dreaming about being the characters in them. Annie Oakley and Betsy Ross were a couple of my favorites, which seems weird to me now since I have no interest in either shooting or sewing anything. Ever. (But it I have to pick one, I’ll take shooting.)
- Whenever I used to whine about wanting something I didn’t have, Mama would say “Good. Everybody needs something to want.” It just made me roll my eyes and pout back then, but now I think it was one of the best pieces of advice anybody’s ever given me.
- If you ever want to know what it feels like to stick your foot into the spokes of a bicycle wheel while it’s turning, I’m your gal. (When I was four, my older brother let me ride on the handlebars, while cautioning, “Hold your feet out.” Somehow I heard, “Stick your stupid foot right into that wheel and get your brother in BIG trouble.”)
- I was an English instructor in my previous life, and I WILL correct your grammar and punctuation. (Just remember this: When you break rules, you’re a waste of food and oxygen. When I do, I’m a talented writer who effectively wields artistic license.)
- I used to do lots of community theater back when I lived in NC. I’m pretty sure that I was born to be Babe Botrelle in Crimes of the Heart. I’ve never had a role I liked better.
- Now I’m a freelance writer. I write everything from features about community movers and shakers, to business blogs and profiles. That means that I can tell you who has a private jet and five homes, how to spray foam your crawlspace and how to get rid of your hemorroids.* Not that I ever would, of course, because that’s a whole different part of my writing life.
*Those last two items are NOT one and the same.
- I enjoy taking pictures of flowers and other cool images that take my mind off the some of the increasingly not-cool images, ideas, and situations in the world. Like, for example, waking up every day to the reality that He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named is our — cough — I can’t even say it — P-word. (No, the other P-word.)
- I like tattoos and I cannot lie.
- I’m a sucker for irony. Like this: I live in SoFla, but I don’t have blonde hair OR even a single plastic body part. (Yet. Remember what I said about those selfies. Plus, there’s more peer pressure here than you can shake a Botox needle at!)
- I work out at least six days a week. Anything with weights is my favorite. Before you start hating me and snarkily muttering under your breath, “OH, you’re one of those annoying health and fitness freaks! How nice FOR you!” — keep reading.
- At least once a year, I eat a half dozen Krispy Kreme chocolate-covered cream-filled donuts in less than one hour flat. (Remember this: Dunkin Donuts are the devil’s spawn.)
- If I could eat anything I wanted every day, my breakfasts, lunches and dinners would be store-bought birthday cakes covered with a thick cruncy layer of kettle-cooked potato chips. (With said donuts for dessert, of course. And a Coke Zero.) So, see? I’m a normal person just like you.
Okay, whatever. Maybe not.
- I love comedy, not so much cheesy sitcoms with laugh tracks, but the stand-up variety (which I even tried myself once). Also funny writers, like Celia Rivenbark and David Sedaris. “If you can’t say anything nice, at least say something funny”–that’s my motto.
- I love the F-word in all its glorious iterations: noun, verb, adjective, adverb, interjection. (Sentences that manage to incorporate all of them simultanously and seamlessly are especially awesome.)
- I have a husband and a grown-up son, and I don’t mean to brag, but, f–k*, they’re both pretty f-ing* awesome; neither has ever been recorded boasting about grabbing anyone by the f-ing* you-know-what, and that’s something I happen to give a f–k* about.
*interjection, adverb, adjective and noun, respectively (Sorry, once a f-ing teacher, always a f-ing teacher. By the way, I’m not spelling it out because at this early stage in my relationship with blog readers, I’m still on my good behavior. First impressions. Some of us were just raised right.)
- I heart my three cute cats. I love how they follow me around and curl up on my lap and purr and yak up hairballs in surprising places and remind of the simple joy of games like “One of These Things is Not Like the Others.”
- Walt Whitman isn’t really my uncle. But a girl can dream, can’t she?