Toilet paper tester.
Golf ball diver.
I thought I’d heard of all the weird jobs out there. But it’s recently come to my attention that there’s a veritable flock of folks, at least here in Florida, doing an important but decidedly lousy job that I never before knew existed. I’m itching to tell you who they are, so let’s get right down to the nitty-gritty before I’m tempted to torture you with any more puns, shall we?
I’m talking about lice removal specialists.
Oh, sure, we had head lice back in NC. Wait — I mean… not all of us, not all the time. Hwooooo00. I figured I’d better clarify, given all the negative stereotypes about us North Carolinians. By the way, I blame ex-governor and eternal asshat Pat McCrory for most of those, so, what the hell — I’m going take a second here to say he’s probably responsible for any/all lice infestations too.
The point is that yes, people in NC also get lice. Every now and then, there’ll be a school scare during which kids
mite might get sent home with one of those notes featuring frightening phrases like “nit comb” and “special lice-killing shampoo.” In the worst cases, horror of horrors, those notes might even contain the words that strike sheer terror in parents’ hearts: “no-nit policy, ” because that could mean parents get stuck at home dealing with the little buggers for days while also struggling to eradicate the lice.
But somehow, in NC, lice removal as a business, despite being one that’s clearly crawling with opportunity, somehow remained hidden from me. After all we now have super lice. (Thanks a lot for encouraging them, all you Superman/Spiderman/Wonderwoman weirdos.)
I can’t say that I ever saw a single lice removal clinic tucked in between a BB&T and a bbq shack back in good old Eastern NC. However, I must admit that once I got bitten by the curiosity bug, my research turned up a few, my favorite being a place called Lice Happens, located in none other than Cary, NC. Because as awesome as puns are to me, the irony of that particular town admitting that “lice happens” is even awesome-ER! (For those of you who are unfamiliar with Cary’s rep, let’s just say that this particular admission by Cary-ites is akin to an admission by Palm Beachers that imperfect blonde blowouts or small natural breasts happen. Shudderrrrrrrrrrrrr.)
I hate to nitpick, but when it comes to going big or going home in proudly putting your lice removal services out there, NC doesn’t even scratch the surface. Here’s a list of some of the MANY Florida lice removal facilities that have heightened my awareness on this topic:
- Lice Lifters
- Louse Calls
- Fresh Heads Lice Removal
- Heads Up Lice Removal
- Mom’s Best Friend Lice Removal (Somebody might want to find new friends. Just sayin’.)
- Lice Busters (Soon to be released in 3D)
- Lice Troopers (Ditto. And 4D — ew.)
- Lice Out Lounge (Anybody want to meet up for drinks?)
- The Lice Boutique (Not sure if they actually remove the lice or just coif and outfit them. Either way, it’s a win.)
You go, Florida. As the Bible says in Matthew something-or-other — Never hide your lice under a bushel.
Oh, and coming soon…
- Best Most Tremendous Very, Very Great Lice & People Who Threaten Me Removal (with locations in DC & NY, at Mar-a-Lago and on borders & military posts everywhere)
This post is in response to the following wordpress prompt: HIDDEN