“For the love of everything that’s holy, ease up on the freaking cat pictures, will you?”
Fine, so maybe I’ve posted a few on my social media accounts lately. Jeez, it’s not like I’m a crazy cat lady or anything. And anyway, it was my cats’ idea, not mine.
But okay, I hear you. Some of you just don’t like cats; you simply identify more as “dog people.” (Or as I respectfully call you folks of that ilk, “psychopaths.”) Seriously though, I get it, and I certainly don’t judge. After all, is it your fault that you drew some genetic short straw that relegates you to bumbling through a meaningless existence with your horribly flawed character and shit-for-taxonomic judgment? I think not. Bless your hearts.
Then, of course, there are those of you who don’t like cats because you actually fear them, what with the way they skulk around, obviously awaiting the chance to hop on your head and suck out your soul the minute you fall asleep. Hey, I feel you. Irrational fears are no fun, and it doesn’t get much more irrational than this. Let’s think about this objectively: The very fact that you don’t like cats means you’re devoid of a soul to begin with, so I think it’s safe to say you can quit your worrying. Boom. Ailurophobia cured. You’re welcome.
The bottom line is that regardless of the motivation for your anti-catite inclinations, some of you hate it when others fill social media with photos of adorable, fantastic felines and their irresistible antics. And you know what? Maybe you have a point: Social media should be dedicated to more universally appealing and appropriate posts.
Like shots of people’s slobbery toddlers gumming goldfish crackers while sitting on the potty (the toddlers, not the goldfish crackers, that is).
Or links to delicious recipes (Like Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Chocolate Pecan Pie a la Louche, with Bullshit Sauce on the side)
Or those precious public-personal messages in which people address their signficantother-squeezemonkeyhoneypots. After all, why should anybody be bothered to venture into the very next room to profess passion for his/her pookiemcnaughtymonster face-to-face?
(Sometimes somecards just nails it. Thanks, guys.)
And let’s not forget using social media for posting the latest hopeful and inspiring news articles about what our president is up to.
Oh, wait — scratch that last one. MAGA, no fake news, and God bless us every one.
I have to go now. The cats are insisting that we all pose for a group selfie.