Yesterday I spent a half hour or so just scrolling my Facebook feed. Now granted, I could have used that time to do something more productive — like helping the homeless, or tutoring children, or posting pictures of cocktails, or my cats, or my cats drinking cocktails — but you know what? My Facebook friends mean everything to me, and because I care so deeply, I feel a moral obligation to stay abreast of all that’s happening in their lives. Even the ones I don’t even know and/or can’t imagine why in the hell I accepted friend requests from. What can I say? Sometimes it’s really a burden to be such a soft-hearted giver of a people person.
Unfortunately, while I was trying to deepen my emotional connection with said friends by reading about whose kid said something precocious (aka fucking annoying), whose dog did something incredibly gross (aka all of them), and who still supports Trump — oh, wait, thank God, I’ve unfriended all those people — I ran smack dab into the one kind of Facebook post to which I feel an aversion stronger than Ana Navarro’s aversion to Sarah Sanders and Sarah Sanders’ aversion to anything remotely resembling the truth. Or integrity. Or fashion. (Don’t blame me for that last one. Cher said it first.)
Oh, you know the kinds of posts I’m talking about. They come in several different varieties, but they’re all basically the social media equivalent of a good old-fashioned “Jesus-wants-you-to-send-this-to-a-dozen-people-unless-of-course-you’re-a-heathen-who-prefers-to-roast-in-eternal-hellfire” chain letter. What’s that? You DON’T know the kinds of posts I’m talking about? Well, it’s a good thing I have an example to show you. I made a couple of my own minor tweaks, but I think it will ring a bell:
In the most difficult times, you realize who your true friends are, and who really appreciates you.
Unfortunately, many of you Facebook friends aren’t real friends. Oh, sure, you toss me an empty “like” now and then, but you don’t even do me the courtesy of “biting” when I post cryptic, “fishing” comments like “Oh, no…,” or “Feeling so sad today” or “Praying for someone in trouble.”
Even worse, you never comment meaningfully on my way-too-frequent/Godawfully long posts about the many important and compelling things in my life — like my adventures with IBS, my ‘dates’ with my ‘luscious (buck-toothed/cross-eyed/white-socks-and-loafers-wearing) lover,’ or my latest scheme to make a $zillion selling weightloss shakes, skincare products, and lipstick for your pets.
It crushes my already tortured soul to know that many of you won’t even read the rest of this post and are already scrolling to the next one on your page.
Well, what are you going to do for a face when that baboon asks for its ass back? (Sorry, I just put that in for the people who stopped reading. Hmph. That’s what they get.)
So, anyway, I decided to post this message for all those who continue to battle with not giving me the attention I desperately crave and who stubbornly refuse to be manipulated by me.
I mean, what the hell, it’s worth one more try, so let’s see who will have taken the time to read this post all the way to the end.
If you have read everything so far, please post “I totally get that you are pitifullly needy” in the comments section so that I can fill this pathetic hole in my self-esteem for at least a couple of days before my crippling inadequacy compels me to do this drill all over again.
This is a serious matter. More awareness of my neediness is urgently required! This is nothing to sneeze at!
By the way, I think I’m coming down with a cold. Can I at least get a few sympathy comments on that, damn it?!?!
I believe a select few of my friends will share this to show their support for my struggles.
But even sharing it isn’t good enough for me because that lets you off with simply clicking one button.
Oh, hell to the no! You need to at least go to the trouble of copying and pasting this shit on your page! Then people can see that you’re a loser too.
And — come back here! I’m not finished! If you’re still with me — Bless your heart, I guess you don’t have a life either — NOW I also want you to type “DONE” in the comments on my post as a solemn pledge that you actually WILL cut and paste this puppy!
That’s right. I also have trust issues. Please leave me a meaningful comment about that.
Even though I’ll doubt your sincerity.
Okay, so NOW do you recognize the famous Facebook post of the “I’m taking emotional hostages” ilk?
If you HATE this kind of FB post as much as I do, please cut and paste this entire blog as your Facebook status. Then send me $5. And maybe a nice edible arrangement.
If you tend to litter FB with this kind of post, cut and paste my blog anyway. And send me $20. But Jesus still won’t love you. Trust me.