Oh, good. You made it past the title. I was afraid some of you would be turned off by my use of the F-word. You know. Fitness. I get it. Listening to people prattle on about their workouts can be pretty annoying.Unless, of course, those people are me.
But don’t worry. I’m not about to do a frog burpee hop onto my fitness soapbox and try to get you to join me up there. This isn’t going to be one of those articles trying to guilt you into doing 500 prison cell push-ups every time you feel lust in your heart for some cheeseburger you saw on TV.
I’m just here to dish out a few fundamental facts of gym life. Regardless of whether you sweat it out there once a day, or think you might, perhaps, just possibly try it once in your entire lifetime, I beg you to keep these principles in mind.
Oh, and by the way, for those of you who are trying to get in shape without all that pesky exercise stuff, I guarantee that simply by reading this post all the way through, you’ll burn 2,123.459 calories. That’s a very, very, very true statement. 100% true. I guarantee it. What? No, I don’t have facts or data to back up that stat, but many, many people have said it. Some have even written me letters telling me that. Believe me. This I can tell you. Also, don’t worry. Even if you fall off the diet wagon, Mexico will pay for your Taco Bell triple double crunchwrap.
There. That should do it. Now, read and memorize.
- Never, ever utter “inspirational” quotations like, “Abs are made in the kitchen” or “You don’t get the ass you want by sitting on it.”
Even though I like to work out, if you say things like that in my presence, you will disrupt my workout concentration. This could result in my having an unfortunate accident involving large dumbells and the back of your head, while loudly reminding you that peanut-butter slathered chocolate cupcakes are also made in the kitchen, so I wish you’d shut up, shag your ass to the nearest oven and bake me some. Better yet, so are mai tais. And after listening to you babble on about ‘Making excuses burns zero calories,’ I could use a couple. Chopeffingchop, will you?
I don’t know about y’all, but passive-aggressive, emotionally manipulative crap is the last thing that moves me (Well, maybe second to last. I forgot about Nicolas Sparks novels.) In fact, the only thing words like those motivate me to do is chase down the people saying them so I can punch them in the face.
I wonder how many calories that burns.
- If the sounds you make in the gym remind everyone around you of Meg Ryan’s famous fake O scene from When Harry Met Sally, the rest of us have three words for you: Fuck. Ing. Stop.
First of all, when you grunt and gasp and groan, you’re nowhere near as cute as 1989 Meg Ryan. (Having seen some recent pictures of her, I’d say that 2017 Meg Ryan could be on the table, but that’s not the point.)
Also, the weights just aren’t that heavy. You’re 6’4″, 275 pounds, and hovering over me because you need to borrow the twenties? In one of the five words of His Orangeness: “Sad.”
The long and short of it is that you’ve apparently confused the term “deep squat” with a similar-sounding expression from the world-o-porn. So zip it, will you? The rest of us would like to get through our workouts without needing a cigarette afterward.
- You can tell exactly what kind of person someone is by if and when he/she wipes down gym equipment.
– Always after using it but never before? You’re thoughtful, and you believe that everyone else is too. Bless your little heart.
– Both before and after you use it? Congratulations. You take personal responsibility, and you’re self-reliant, yet you also have great compassion for others. Just don’t run for office. No one will vote for you.
– Neither before nor after? No wonder your gym is currently closed due to a norovirus outbreak. Again.
– Always before but never afterward? You’re a Republican.
If that last remark made you angry, just remember that rage boosts your metabolism. You’re WELCOME!
P.S. I can’t possibly talk about fitness without giving a shout-out to all my former gym teachers who so helpfully pointed out to me that I had no talent for dribbling a basketball, hitting a softball, or playing any sport involving a spherical object of any kind. I’ve also gotta give a holla to my former P.E. classmates who picked me last for teams, huffing and rolling their eyes at each other and saying, “Jeez. Okay, I guess we’ll take Darla.“
To all of you, I say, “Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my hardest-working muscle. Thank you for motivating me, pushing me, driving me to find my own personal path to fitness. Even though you did so using shame and degradation and made me feel so bad about myself that you’re lucky I haven’t ambushed you on Jerry Springer, I know that you all meant well, and I appreciate the tough love.”
Pfffffffff. Who am I kidding? What I really say is this:
Suck it! Who can do med-ball pushups now, biotches?