I love to start every day by checking the Skimm. If you haven’t signed up for it, DO! It’s a great way to get an “in a nutshell” sense of all the important things happening in the news, from politics to pop culture. (And, no, they aren’t paying me to advertise for them. However, if they’d like to throw me some gouda, I should probably give them my digits so they can hit me up sometime, know what I’m sayin’, bae?)
I KNOW, right? You’re probably saying to yourself, “Dayyyyummmmmm! What’s crackalackin? This Betty’s got more skillz with bom diggity words than Kim Kard-ASS-hian’s got badonkadonk!”
Well, that’s because the Skimm even includes tips about Urban Dictionary trending words, and since I love words WAP, I’m a real
Monica Lewinsky sucker for that particular section of the daily email newsletter. (Oops, I just looked up that first term and discovered its slang meaning wasn’t contextually what I thought.)
Anyhow, the Skimm‘s recent entry: “extra,” meaning over-the-top, really got my attention. There are so many different areas of life where that one word says it all! Now I can cleanse my brain cells of dozens of more apposite, germane, descriptive and specific ones! (Never say I’m not doing my part to support our … you know… P-word … in his mission to make America vocabulary-deficient again.)
Whatevs, check out my personal list of all things “extra“:
- That toilet paper brand that says you can wear your underpants a second day. Sure, as a country, our standards have slipped a bit of late. But have we sunk this low already? The way I see it, America may be going to hell in Prima Donald’s personal handbasket as he drives us all down the road to ruin, but our mothers would still want us to travel with clean drawers on!
- Speaking of skivies — About that brand that uses terms like “no stink” and “sausage crank” in its commercials, extra isn’t the only perfect word for their marketing. Here’s another one: NO.
- My husband Mr. Greenjeans’ penchant for tossing plants and replacing them with new ones the second they show a single sign of distress. I’ve got to take better care of myself; this mature flora is probably just one cracking knee away from being uprooted and replaced with some tender little seedling.
- The number of wine corks we’ve saved over the years. No wonder a rude child who once visited our house, asked, “How much wine do you people DRINK?” That was years ago. Too bad the little Kanye West crumbsnatcher can’t see our cork collection now.
- The story a woman recently told me about her dog being banned from the neighborhood bark park unless it wears a tee shirt, because — wait for it — its nipples are too big. 4SRS, y’all. I can’t even make up stuff that good.
- What House of Cards will have to be this season in order to compete with the ratings-grabbing episode of The Celebrity Asshat we’re living in. Oh, well, as long as it still has my girl crush Robin Wright, I’m excited about the Netflix drop on May 30 no matter what.
- The way the news keeps replaying that clip of the now infamous United Airlines incident. There’s no excusing what United did, but I’m starting to think that offering myself up for a beat-down by a United employee might be preferable to listening one more time to David Dao’s screams, and worse, to his fellow passenger’s dramatic pronouncement of “Oh. My. GOD!. Look what you DID to him!” (I do, however, call dibs on playing her in the inevitable Lifetime movie.)
- People who use social media to complain about their every stress, sniffle, sinus pain, heartache, headache and hemorrhoid. Let’s get one thing straight, shall we? *Social media is for complaining about two things: bad grammar, and people who use social media to complain. DWIB. (*Strictly grammatically speaking, That should be “Social media are… .” English lesson time, my mofos.)
- People who confuse grocery store sample stations with restaurants. It’s fine to grab some of that scrumpdiddlyumptious summer sausage on a cracker and move on, but don’t make me maneuver my cart around you while you bite-by-bite consume a pound of Velveeta. Ask yourself, “WWDD?” The answer is that you’ll never see me behaving that way because it’s annoying, selfish, and downright classless. Now move your fat ass out of the way, will you? I need to get my damned groceries and head over to Total Wine. They’re “tasting” my favorites today, and I plan to make an afternoon of it.
- The concept of building a border wall. Trumpty-Dumpty’s motivation behind it is … extra. The cost of it is… extra. And if America really builds it, I for one will be so embarrassed and disheartened (and broke) that I’ll want to climb … extra. But I guarantee you one thing, if and when it comes to that, I’ll be sporting fresh underpants. Fo real.